A Shoulder to Cry On
by GrnEydDvl
Summary: The thoughts and feelings that run through Okazaki Tomoya's head as he listens to Sanae cry on Akio's shoulder. Set in After Story episode 19.


**This fic takes place in episode 19 of Clannad, After Story, when Tomoya overhears Sanae and Akio talking on the porch. I've always felt that scene was charged with a ton of emotion, so I really had a craving to write down what I think Tomoya felt as he listened to them. I hope you enjoy it!**

I woke from the most restful slumber I had had in years to the suffocating heat of summer. The feeble breeze from the small fan carried the gentle aroma of incense, but did little to alleviate the thickness of the air. The concordant, yet soothing song of the cicadas washed over me, its sound only broken by the steady breathing I could hear beside me. I opened my eyes to see the source of the breathing; a small child. Nagisa's child. My child. The Ushio that I had just barely begun to know and love. Then I heard voices. I looked up to see the silhouettes of Sanae-san and the old man illuminated behind the shoji screen as they sat on the porch speaking in hushed tones so as not to wake us.

"Sanae, you're not one to talk about others," the old man said. "You haven't cried since that day."

"I'm surprised you noticed," Sanae-san replied.

"Of course. Who do you think I am?"

"Well, I had something to do. I had to raise Ushio. So it was good; I didn't have the chance to lose myself."

"Five years, eh? We were saved by Ushio a lot."

"Yes, really."

"But even that has to come to an end."

"Yes."

"Good work for many years."

"It was nothing; we're a family."

"It's all right, you know? You've done well. Now it's your turn to cry."

"Akio-san…"

"Even with all hope gone, I'll still help you. I'll be here until you stop crying. So it's all right now."

As Sanae-san's tears began to fall, an overwhelming sense of guilt hit me like a brick wall. I had already taken Nagisa from them and now Ushio, this precious and irreplaceable treasure would be taken from them as well. I had abandoned her for the last five years. Ignored her and neglected her, leaving her with this extraordinary couple who took her in without a word of complaint and raised her as their own, giving her the warmth and love I was too selfish to provide. Who was I to take her from them? I was a dead beat dad, foolish and irresponsible, who had somehow managed to do what I thought was impossible and become a worse parent than my own father. Who was I to be trusted with the welfare of a child? Yet Sanae-san, in her overwhelming selflessness, had raised Ushio with this day firmly embedded in her mind and relinquished Ushio's care to me without a second's hesitation. I didn't deserve this, this kindness, this second chance. This opportunity to protect the last legacy of Nagisa.

Nagisa. If only she were here, this never would have happened. I wouldn't have had to give Ushio away. We could have been a family, a real family, sharing the good times and bad, celebrating the joys life brings and leaning on each other for support. As I watched Sanae-san cry five years worth of tears into the old man's shoulder, I felt something towards them I never expected; jealousy. Even through all the hardships and pain, they still had each other to comfort and protect. They would always be by each others' side, always be there when the other stopped crying. They had built their home together, raised their child together, gone through the happiness and excitement, the trials and tribulations of life together, depending on each other and caring for each other. It was something I would never be able to experience. And I was envious of this couple, who, even at the hardest time of their lives, could still be together.

Sanae-san's tears continued unbounded, and the suffering and emotion in them pierced me to the very core of my being. She wasn't crying for Ushio. Ushio had been the bandage, covering up a gaping wound, and now that that bandage had been removed, years of repressed pain and heartache came pouring out like a torrent. No, she wasn't crying for Ushio. She was crying for Nagisa, her beloved daughter, who had been so cruelly snatched away from her. The weight of that loss settled over me more heavily with each tear that fell from Sanae-san's eyes. And I realized, truly realized, for the first time, that I was not alone. Sanae-san and the old man had felt the same loss I had, suffered the same tormenting thoughts, and grieved with the same magnitude. The gaping hole that was Nagisa's absence was so thick in that room that I could almost taste it. It settled over me like a blanket, enveloping me more than the oppressive heat or the eerie cry of the cicadas. Tears came to my own eyes as I bowed my head in reverence to this incredible couple who had suffered so much and yet somehow managed to rise from the ashes. And I vowed to them that I would not let their suffering and mine be in vain, and that I would raise Ushio with the same love and affection that they had bestowed upon both her and her mother.

I lay back down as silently as I could, not wanting to embarrass Sanae-san by letting her know that I had heard her at such a personal moment. I softly stroked Ushio's hair, slightly damp from the humidity, and felt the reality of my life more keenly than I had in a long time. And, for some reason, I found a strange sense of peace. Not the perfect, blissful peace that one feels when everything is ideal, but the calm, soothing peace with comes with knowing that one is not alone and that one's life has meaning. I closed my eyes and allowed Sanae-san's tears and the ever-present cicadas to lull me back to sleep.

Somewhere over the roof of the Furukawa Bakery, unbeknownst to its occupants, an unearthly ball of light shimmered into existence. It shined brightly for a moment, as if blessing those below it, then floated lazily away on the warm summer breeze.

**Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it!**


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